𖥧𖤣Dear Diary𖤣𖥧

My first ever entry! Wow! This is so exciting!! It's going to be a bit hard to get used to, since everything is digital now. But I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon! I've been having so much fun coding my website. I remember seeing so many cute personal sites when I was younger and thinking "wow, I wish I could do that", but back then I was really small and not too bright... I don't think I got all that brighter, but look! I'm making a site! Isn't that so cool? I don't know how to do much, but half of the fun is the process of learning (and also scrolling through #webgraphics and #neocities on Tumblr and saving everything I think is cute/want to put on my site)! I really recommend looking through other people's websites and skimming through some tutorials or templates, if any of you reading want to make a site too. Most of my stuff right now was made through those means, so my code is mainly a bunch of random slapped together pieces that kind of make no sense... There's a lot of stuff I need to fix because of that (like my bunnies are NOT meant to shake when you hover over them... That's only for the compass... Oh no...) Everything still looks cute though, so I think it's alright for now!

I'm currently still working on most of my other pages! I really want to work on my art gallery next but... That one would require... Javascript! And that one's scary. I can do HTML and, maybe, CSS if I scratch my head hard enough! But Javascript is so scary... I have to be brave though! I want to have my little gallery! Even if it means I have to slay the evil dragon that is Javascript! Though actual art might come a bit after I code everything. Drawing digitally is a bit of a learning curve and I'm also very shy about my art. I'll share it one day though, so be prepared!

I think that's all for this entry! It was a bit hard to write due to the change and all. Hopefully, it'll get easier as I continue! I don't really know how to end this entry though... Um... Watch Umamusume!

Oof! It's been a while since my last (and first) entry. I've just been so busy with work, it was kind of hard to find some time to type out my feelings. I found some time now though and, my goodness, do I have some feelings to type out!

Okay, so (for context) I work for a company with a ton of different departments! I won't say what company because... Safety! And also because I'm under an NDA, oops. Luckily, I should be fine as long as I don't share what the company is or what we do! Anyways, I work in the office so I'm usually confined to my desk and, as such, only really talk to those within my department. Sometimes, different departments come to visit to gossip or just watch, but I'm usually just with other office workers for most of the day. Today was... really different though.

This guy from another department decided to pay me a visit. I had seen him walk past a couple of times before, but he had never come up to me until now. I thought that was kind of weird but people don't visit me too often, so it was really nice to see someone else for a bit! He was so nice to me and just tried to make some small talk. Asked me how my day was, what I was working on, my interests -- the usual, you know? So I chatted back because he was sweet and, don't tell the higher ups, it let me get distracted from my work a bit. Also... He's not really my type but he wasn't bad to look at... Tall, skinny, long haired with a pretty face -- kind of prince-like, which is cute. I like it when boys are pretty, but I also like it when they're pretty personality-wise. That's where the weird stuff comes in.

I'm a little oblivious. I don't pick up on some social cues until someone explains them to me. Which is why I didn't learn he was flirting with me until one of my other coworkers suddenly jumped in and... Um... May or may not have kicked him around a little bit... I'll let you decide whether it was physically or metaphorically. Another coworker eventually came in and made him go back to his department, but I was so confused! I had no idea what was going on. I thought we were just chatting! That's when my coworker told me that he was trying to flirt with me a little, which was fine, but then she told me it was because he thought I was a girl. Which... Didn't sit well with me.

I guess I kind of forgot that a lot of people don't see me as a man. It's kind of my fault, I know I dress in a way that isn't very manly but I don't want to change that. I like being pretty. I like my skirts and dresses and long hair. I just... Liked it so much I forgot that people view that as a "girl's" look and, by proxy, view me as a girl. Kind of weird that it's always a girl and not a woman, but I don't think I'd like being seen as a woman either. It just kind of upset me a bit, knowing that he did all that because he didn't view me as another man. My coworker even told me he's straight, which just made me feel really sick because it meant he really didn't view me as a man. It makes me feel so gross. I ended up going to the bathroom after my coworker left and sitting there for a bit. I don't really know why. I just didn't feel like being seen for a little bit.

On a lighter note, my coworker told me she'd let me help her dress up! She's never had money for cute clothes until she got a job, so she's hoping I could help her a bit to make things easier. I'm so excited! I've always thought fashion was such a wonderful way of expressing oneself, so I feel honored to have her ask me for help choosing a couple pieces. I hope I can give her something she really likes. She doesn't have a lot of clothes, only really wears about one outfit. I want her to be able to look at her closet and feel almost overwhelmed by her choices! I want her to feel so happy and seen in her clothes! Just thinking about it makes me want to run a couple laps in my apartment, I'm so excited! I just hope she comes to see me again. It gets a little lonely at my desk and I'd love to talk to her about clothes! I wonder if she likes horses... Maybe I should invite her over and show her some MLP! Maybe Umamusume... I think she'd like Uma more.

Also! I've been collecting more cute resources for my website! So, hopefully I'll be able to update my site in the next few days. I know I said I'll work on the My Art section but... It's so scary... I think I'll try the Credits and About Me section first! I'm between making the Credits or About Me section look like a notebook, I just can't choose which one! Hopefully, I'll be able to pick sometime soon. Anyways! Um... This is the end again! Still don't know how to end entries... Ummmmmmm.... Woah, Chiikawa be upon thee!

I have the day off today and it's been so nice! I've been spending all of it just sitting in my apartment, so there's not a lot I have to share... I know your days off are meant to be relaxing and I should be happy that I get a day to myself, especially when my job barely gives me any breaks, but it just... Feels really boring when I'm all alone.

I can watch TV, I can play games, I can work on my website, but it all sounds so dull when it's all me, me, me. I just kind of miss talking to my coworkers, even if they barely talk to me in the first place or are kind of weird about me. Some of them are so nice and interesting, though! I miss them a lot during my days off. I think they're always working whenever I'm off, since they don't text me or talk to me whenever I'm gone, which is so unfortunate. I wish we could get a day off together so they could come hang out! I'd have to clean my apartment because it's kind of a mess and really easy to just let things pile up, but we'd have fun!

I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. I mean, isn't it so boring to be all by yourself? Having someone with you is always so much more exciting! Humans are social creatures after all! Or, I think? I'm pretty sure I heard that from somewhere. I don't know if it's true but I'm social and I'm a human, so I think it should count!

I've been trying to keep myself occupied though, even if it's kind of hard to when I'm all alone. I do have a way to keep myself entertained! It's a little unconventional, but it helps with both my boredom and being all alone! It just requires a little ⟡imagination⟡

I think one of the best things anyone can have is a strong imagination! When all you need is your brain and a little play-pretend, the world is so much more colorful! For example, I love to play this little game where I press my ear up to the wall and listen to my neighbor go about his day. I can’t see him, obviously, so I have to imagine a little story for him! If I hear his footsteps in the kitchen, maybe he’s making himself a grilled cheese with three different types of cheese; or, maybe, he’s in the living room watching a nice movie about a lonely boy who learns that people can love him for who he is; or, maybe, he’s in the bedroom in a silly nightgown and cap with a candlestick and everything! I can spend hours just listening and imagining, sometimes to the point I forget to eat. Oops.

It kind of comforts me, being able to listen to him and just kind of pretend I know what he's doing, because then I'm not really alone! My neighbor is next door and he's doing his own thing, just like I'm doing my own thing. Isn't that nice? Sometimes, I take my laptop or my switch and sit by the wall so I can play while listening to him.

Sometimes, I worry I might be a little creepy... I am basically eavesdropping... But the wall is thin and it's not like I'm a weirdo. I just want to know he's there, because I'm here and it's nice to know there's someone. Anyone. Plus, imagining him in a silly cap and gown is really funny!

I think I'm going to end the entry here so I can go do some other stuff! I found a recipe the other day for muffins that I've been wanting to try out! Something about cornbread but they're in muffin-shape and have chocolate chips. They sounded really good! I'll go make them! Maybe, I'll share some with my neighbor -- if I don't get too shy and bail on the idea first...

I feel so sick to my stomach today. I haven't stopped shaking the whole day and I don't know what to do.

There was an accident. They called a code over the intercoms and everyone began to panic. Everyone from my department locked themselves away, but I was an idiot and I took too long. I just got so scared. I couldn't move even though my brain was screaming at me to. I wanted to go with them so bad, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be left out, but by the time my legs cooperated I had gotten locked out. I remember knocking so hard my hand hurt. I kept telling them that I was sorry for taking so long, I was wanted to be inside. I thought "It'll only take a second. It won't hurt anyone! I just don't want to be alone" They didn't respond to me. They wouldn't even respond when I told them I was scared, that I didn't know what was happening. I didn't want to die.

No one bothered to open the door.

They just left me out there by myself.

In the moment, I got so upset. I didn't even know if the code was that dangerous but I remember feeling like they were dooming me to die. They hated me so much, they wanted me dead. None of them loved me enough to spare me, give me just a few precious seconds to slip into the room with them so we could all be scared together. Now, it just makes me feel selfish and like a prick. Of course, they wouldn't open the door for me. I was late. It was my fault. They might have put themselves in danger if they opened the door for me. It was all just protocol. I don't know why I got so mad.

Someone came for me eventually. One of the interns. I've never seen her so angry before. I think she got locked out too. We hid behind my desk and tried to wait it out. I remember hearing people scream somewhere off in the distance and thinking to myself "That's going to be me". I didn't even know what they were screaming about. My brain just took it and ran until I couldn't get the image of death out of my head. I don't think I've ever felt more pathetic than in that moment, sitting behind that desk with my head on my knees, sobbing my eyes out next to her. I felt like such a big baby but I couldn't stop. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die and I didn't do anything about it. I just cried and cried and cried until I felt like I was going to vomit. I couldn't bring myself to move, I just froze up all over again. I couldn't even think and when I did think, it was about all the wrong things.

I think my life flashed before my eyes. I really didn't realize how little I had done with my life up until that moment. It's not like the movies. It didn't give me motivation to survive. It just made me realize that it wouldn't really matter if I died or not. I realized just how little connection I had with everyone else. No family. No friends. I don't even have a pet to miss me. I wanted to tell myself that, at least, my coworkers would miss me... But would they? Most of my coworkers don't even know I'm a man. They barely talk to me. I know they're all busy, but... I don't know. I think I was just spiraling a bit at the end, but it still felt so real. I couldn't find the motivation to save myself if something bad did happen to me. It didn't feel worth it. At that point, it didn't really feel like I was hiding anymore. I think I was just waiting to die.

Do you want to know the worst part? I wasn't even the one who came up with the idea of hiding behind the desk, that was all the intern. She was the one that grabbed my hand and pulled me over. I'm still thinking about it now and I can't help but feel so angry at myself. I hate how useless I was. I hate how nice she was. She kept telling me we were going to be fine and I hate that I believed her. I hate that I just sat there, wallowing in self-pity while she kept lookout. It should've been me. I should've been the one protecting her, but I wasn't. I let this poor girl handle me like I was a baby while she was already stressed out over the possibility of dying.

Some other employees picked us up eventually and it all got sorted out, but I can't get it out of my head.

I feel like such a jerk.

This is probably really depressing. I'm sorry for venting a bit. I just needed to get this off my chest.

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